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Our Definitive Ranking of the 10 Most Garbage Halloween Candies

Americans spend an average of $2 billion on Halloween candy every year.

But not all Halloween candy is created equal. Some are great, (and we’ll get to that list in a future post) but some are garbage. We’ve stolen enough candy from our kid’s Halloween hauls over the years to be certified experts in the field.

So, without further ado, here is our science-certified, undisputable list of the 10 worst Haloween candies:

10. Pixie Stix - kid cocaine, pure and simple. They don’t taste awful like the rest of the “candy” on this list, but they're here because they’re basically a not-so-passive-aggressive middle finger from your neighbors. They should be avoided.

pixie Stix

9. Whatever the hell these pumpkin things are - So, so gross.

gross pumpkin candy

8. 3 Musketeers - The worst candy bar of all time, and you can fight me. It’s a scientific fact. If your child comes home with any, immediately separate them out so they don’t taint the rest of their candy.

3 musketeers

7. Good n’ Plenty - They should call these Bad n’ Crappy. That said, your grandpa loves them, so if you can’t avoid these while trick or treating, make sure to set these aside for him.

Good n' plenty

6. Those black and orange things - No one knows what they are or where they even come from. The only person that loves them is your dentist because the only thing they are good for is removing your fillings.

Those black and orange things

5. Charleston Chew - This "chew" is named after the hottest dance of the 1920's. Enough said. (Throw these in the bag for grandpa, too though.)

Charleston Chew

4. Candy Corn - Suddenly it’s popular to hate on candy corn. To which I say “where have you been for the last 150 years?” The original name of these was “chicken feed.” That’s all you need to know. They suck.

Candy Corn

3. Gum - You go to the store to buy Halloween candy and this is what you spend your money on? I bet you're fun at parties. 

Gum

2. Anything that isn’t candy - Seriously, save your political statements for Thanksgiving, turn off your porch light, and go to bed. It’s not our fault you’ve never known joy in your life.

Halloween pretzels

1. Whoppers - Worst candy ever. Kind of like Milk Duds except instead of deliciousness inside, there’s only sawdust and disappointment. In February, when you finally find your kids’ stash, the only thing left in there will be whoppers.

Whoppers

If there is any part of this list you disagree with, we'd love to hear your take. 

 



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